Dear Class of 2020,
Welcome to Causet University! I am pleased you have chosen Causet to continue your intellectual pursuits and personal agendas.
As you begin your college career, I want you to be aware of several “ground rules” established by our Committee on Personal Expression (COPE). These guidelines are designed to promote a harmonious atmosphere in which all students can feel special and conduct themselves in a manner reflecting their own individual choices.
- Our institution has proudly adopted a “campus carry” policy, meaning you can carry a concealed weapon at all times, except in the shower. You may not carry your weapon in such a manner that it remains visible to your classmates. This will only prompt them to conjure reasons for why you might be armed and, presumably, dangerous.
- Those students found in violation of the campus carry policy will be issued a “trigger warning.” Following the first such warning, students will be limited to carrying three or fewer lethal weapons, including jackknives, grenades, nunchucks, Ninja stars, Glocks, Uzis and flashbangs. After the second warning, students will be required to write an essay comparing and contrasting the violence motif in Rambo III and Bambi. A student receiving a third trigger warning will be forced to keep all aforementioned weapons in the trunk of his/her/eir/pers/xyr car or in a backpack.
- Students who feel threatened by the specter of gun violence may retreat to a “safe space.” Several such spaces exist across campus and are, in fact, reclaimed and refurbished smoking zones. (Smoking is now prohibited on campus, though smokers and vapers may partake provided they are 100 feet beyond or above the grounds.) A student may designate an unofficial safe space by standing in a chalk outline, raising both arms and loudly declaring, “I’m out!” All students occupying a safe space, whether official or unofficial, may not be shot or otherwise subject to bodily injury.
- From time to time, the University will invite to campus prominent speakers who espouse viewpoints different from your own. Our community thrives on open, intellectual debate. Controversial speakers enjoy the freedoms protected by our Constitution and insinuated by the tenets of tenure. You may not shoot them.
- Students carrying a concealed weapon may risk exposure of said weapon when visiting the lavatory. As such, the University has established “firearm neutral” bathrooms, inclusive and welcoming facilities that embrace everyone’s choice regarding personal protection. Use them at your own risk.
- Any student—or employee, for that matter—who deems a name, image or likeness to be offensive may not take it upon his/her/eir/pers/xyrself to deface, destroy, mangle, obliterate or otherwise harm the offending item. Simply relay your displeasure to an appropriate University official and it will be promptly removed. Do not, under any circumstances, shoot it.
I trust you will abide by these few rules of conduct, which have been forged by months of hysterical debate. They exist for your own protection and are subject to your own interpretation, filters and worldviews.
I congratulate you on your decision to attend Causet and wish you well on your pilgrimage of self-discovery and -righteousness.
Dr. Molly Coddle