The Magic of Sky Mall

A recent flight afforded me the chance to pore over one of my favorite publications—that venerable staple of air travel, the Sky Mall catalog.

I admit I’ve never actually purchased anything from the Sky Mall, and I often glance around the cabin to see if anyone is filling out the order form. Somebody is buying this stuff, I have to assume. The readership, after all, is vast: the catalog proudly states that “If Sky Mall’s audience was (sic) a country, it would be (sic) third largest in the world.” Not that this nation would be entirely literate.

Despite the occasional typo and grammatical gaffe, the catalog is a veritable treasure trove of good stuff you just can’t find in most normal stores. Thanks to enterprising entrepreneurs whose brainstorms populate these pages, you can obtain a wide variety of useful household items and gadgets to make life more pleasurable. There’s the touch-free toilet seat that automatically opens as you approach and shuts 30 seconds after your business is finished. The nearby giraffe-neck toilet-paper holder is a nice complement. For the bedroom, the “always cool” pillow means less tossing and pounding on warm summer nights. Another pillow option is one carefully crafted to resemble a roll of sushi.

Come morning, an aromatherapy alarm clock will begin your day by wafting a favorite scent your way. I wonder if bacon is among the choices. As you attend to personal hygiene, be sure to shake a can of “instant hair” over your thinning pate. Time permitting, you can instead opt to don the space-age helmet that promises to regrow hair while you listen to your favorite tunes. For those with too much hair in the wrong places, a heat-blasting device resembling a key fob will do the trick. The same company also offers a zit zapper to combat unwanted acne. And don’t forget to pocket your stainless steel wallet, perfect for the frequent air traveler.

Before you head out, grab some music from the massive storage tower holding your 2,250 CDs, roughly equivalent to what the average iPod can accommodate. Say a quick hello to your voice activated R2-D2 and watch him play tag, dance or display a bad mood, depending on how his own day is going. He might remind you to pack your video surveillance clock, which is “ideal for inconspicuously monitoring a room or office.” Imagine what Nixon could have done with one. Give a pat to Scruffy, who should be attending to his morning duty on the patch of artificial grass complete with faux fire hydrant. To curb the commute munchies, grab a handful of your favorite salty meat chunks, the “healthiest choice in jerky snacking.”

The stroll to your car lets you revisit the numerous outdoor accoutrements available at Sky Mall. If the Bigfoot statue doesn’t put a hop in your step, the screaming zombie seemingly emerging from the ground surely will. Or perhaps the garden gnome skeletons are more your speed. In any case, take a moment to appreciate your resplendent collection and soak in the love poem inscribed on the plaque mounted to the fake ivy wall carpet: “You are the cheese to my macaroni….”

So the next time your travels set you airborne, break out that credit card and let Sky Mall transform your life. I might be watching.

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